Tomb Rider Too: Starving Lara Croft (Tomb Raider II Starring LC)
by SheerLuck Home
Summary: Follow Lara again in her fanatical extravaganza of annihilation and moron-sacrificing; all for the greater good, of course. "Enjoy yourself now, save Earth later." –Lara C.
1. Suicidal Exploits

**TOMB RIDER Too, Starving Lara Croft**

 _(Tomb Raider II, Starring LC)_

Suicidal Exploits

There was a vision taking place at sunrise about a Chinese army fighting a dragon seven times their size with arrows and torches; good luck folks. One of the villagers that had been caught in this hell, solely because he was still in the field gathering rice, saw that a dagger was stuck in the dragon's chest. The creature was too preoccupied with the arrows deflecting on his thick skin to notice the unimportant Tibetan below him; thus the man got up on a cart in order to reach the glowing aura emitted from the chest, not giving a damn about his legs getting stuck in cow's dung on said cart.

It was indeed a dagger and a magnificent one at that but the monk had not so much as a chance to marvel at it as for the dragon began dying, and the man was at the right spot to receive its scorching breath right in the face. The flesh from the legendary creature melted from its bones, and judging by the commander's face pinching his nose it stank like rotten meat on a warm sunny day.

Then the commander plus two other monks picked up the dagger in order to return it to the sacred sanctuary where it had been stolen. The preacher opening the vault felt like this was a really bad idea being the one carrying it, he glanced back only to be ordered to move forward by his partner. He vowed that if he survived this that his colleague would owe him his ration for two weeks straight, but the other monk knew that he wouldn't survive this.

The bald man approached the middle of the room, pedestal staring back at him with violet eyes similar to the ones engraved at the tip of the handle. Doom was written all over the place but he had no other choice than slide the blade into its designated sheath, in hopes that all the prayers he had recited for years would pay off now: no such luck. So the man died and Lara Croft stood up to remove the movie Dagger of Xian from the DVD player, threw it on the floor before shooting it blasting the pieces to four corners of her vast manor.

«That's what you get for praying to gods that don't exist.»

Croft then went outside to exercise, passing by the ugly fountain resembling a fish, she glanced at it, «I wonder who designed this shitty art. And I paid for that…?», but it's alright since money isn't a problem, she could always waste some more. All she had to do was go to her basement and pick up one of the many gold bars there then go to the London bank to retrieve more cash.

She moved to the back of her gigantic manor towards the training grounds by jumping every two steps and sounding as if having the hiccup. Arrived there she started stretching, but then a minute later she smelled it before seeing it; his servant WinsTon OldFart who was farting his way towards her as the breeze had sent his foul whiff her way. She sighed while still preparing her muscles; soon the annoying sound of teapot shaking was heard. She dared not look his way as he approached; the man was so old that what remained of his face was a set of flabby skin on top of one another, and a wee opening somewhere in there trying to provide air. Well the pixels did not aid his appearance in the least. He moaned before farting once more, ever shaking the tea he held on a plateau; making her clench her jaws together so as not to yell obscenities. After one endless minute of this constant nightmare however Lara lost her cool, «Fuck's sake old man! I think the tea is well shaken up by now, you can stop!» moreover a cloud of flies had gathered around them thanks to WinsTon's charming odor.

She then proceeded to start with her exercise but he stumbled in front of her, she tried to make him move away, «What—no, out of the… oh bloody rotten pieces of skin-» he fell face first ruining the tea. She stared at him not doing anything, «Why in the hell am I employing you rather than a more competent person!?»

He moaned weakly, «…Because you don't pay me anything and barely feed me, Miss Croft.», a sentence hard to decipher amid all the limp membranes.

«Right. We both know I can't afford any of that.», and on this she left the training grounds, not providing any help. The poor disfigured servant would just remain there, ass dipped in tea on the cold ground; but it's alright since each new fart would warm his butt a bit.

Fuck tea time, Lara was not thirsty for tea but adventures. She re-entered her mansion yelling, «Mom, dad; I'm going out!» and then remembering something, mumbled, «Oh, that's right, they're dead.» Croft needed to change outfit though but since she had the bright idea to lock her wardrobe and lost the key, she now had to break the door down by using an axe. She should have known better to give that key to her butler, he probably misplaced it somewhere in his flabby skin; lost forever. Croft savagely rammed at the door several times, panting and looking quite insane as even some saliva flew forth; eventually she got the proper equipment out before exiting by the huge front gate.

She then started her jet and flew past her manor, noticing that the chimney was still congested with vegetation. She had asked WinsTon to take care of it but apparently the lazy farter ignored her threats again, he clearly disobeyed only to instigate her wrath; why else wouldn't he have ascended the highly-dangerous side of the tall mansion to go possibly lose foot on the slippery roof? He had no excuse but his incompetence therefore Lara would decline him food for an additional week. That'll teach him to have grown older with the passing of time.

Fuming, she then was off towards the Chinese wall; if anyone would have that dagger it was her, even if it meant killing a lot of people in the process and decimating endangered species.

* * *

The Chinese Wall was impressive, but not to her since she'd visited more remarkable archeological sites in the past; like the personal underground nightclub of the jackal-headed Seth which had been built entirely in bones from everyone he had merrily killed, there were also fountains spitting chocolate and slaves refilling the tasty brown pool with marshmallows.

Croft made her way over the stones while ruthlessly shooting crows that were merely just flying by taking in the beautiful scenery, plus a tiger that was minding its own business drinking peacefully at a lake. She also made use of excessive force against tarantulas inside over killing them with her shotgun, looking quite like a maniac while showing her teeth not bothered by the little organic remains getting stuck on said teeth. At some point three spiders formed a tenacious group trying to take her out, but they failed as Lara seized her Grenade Launcher and annihilated them. Weird thing is it took two grenades on one of them, Croft pondered out loud, «Hm. Must have been the leader or something, tougher.» Then looking at her right noticing the skeleton from a previous adventurer, «I don't need your stuff, I can manage on my own.», thus discarding the health pack since she doesn't need that as for she's a fucking tank of will and endurance. Why she said that out loud is a mystery though, who knows perhaps she's been alone for way too long so she talks to dead people now. And maybe it's the only way for her to have a conversation, or you know, friends.

She then crossed water while prickly objects were thrown at her from devices on the walls, it cut her skin open and rammed at her face but she cared for none of that. Making her way deeper within was even more entertaining since she had to dodge elaborated traps including deadly boulders, moving spikes, chopping blades mounted on walls and concealed traps in the floor; all of which she expertly maneuvered through while reading an adventure book and performing diving-rolls in between blades. The spikes and blades were tainted with blood, remnants of poor fools that weren't made for this kind of sport, but none of the many carcasses scarred her mentally since she was born for this.

After escaping from all this unscathed, Lara noticed other human remains near where two sharp circular objects were moving about the cave, passing from left to right in front of her. She noted how the skeleton's feet were abnormally small as she stood at an unsafe distance from the risky contraptions. The woman was then assaulted by tarantulas again; she had obviously walked in on their territory consequently needed to pay for that; though of course it all just ended with her decimating the whole gang then walking over their tiny insignificant corpses. Or parts, whatever was left of them. «Nobody threatens me.», she could have reloaded her pistols while saying that only to look more badass, but she's got super guns with infinite ammunitions, so she's just above that too.

Croft then got even more adventurous or suicidal, pick one; and made her way over an edge then down a cliff only to descend a precarious wooden ladder that stood high above ground below, which was also bathed in thick darkness. As she moved down, absolutely not knowing where she was going and frankly starting to think this _might_ be a very bad idea; an ominous tune was triggered. She stopped and listened, brows narrowed, «…what in the bloody fuck…?»

But since it took way more than that to make her lose her cool, she kept descending and after finding more bones she was welcomed by an old friend….the ground shook as the T-Rex presumably got out of a secret door in the stone cavern or just simply spontaneously appeared there. They do that. The important thing is she now faced a fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex okay, although she didn't piss her pants since she's fought its kind before.

So she smirked and yelled, «Face the wrath of my harpoon gun!» The creature merely blinked at that as she pulled the trigger bearing a fierce expression, «Taste it!», the attacks deflected by the dinosaur's thick skin. It was when the huge creature tried to bite her head off that she switched weapon, and when the dinosaur roared once more she said, «Yeah open wiiiide!» before sending a grenade right in its mouth. When it exploded it looked like a huge watermelon flying off everywhere.

Then another one magically showed up so she picked her M16 and discharged a whole magazine into it; however fun she wondered how two Tyrannosauruses managed to live in that huge pit, perhaps slicing tiny spiders in half sharing the frugal meal so as to not starve. After scoring against its kind once more she made her way back up, almost losing feet a few times in the darkness; fortunately her panicked grip ensured her fingers clutched the wood tight enough to prevent further mishaps. She then glanced at the zip line coursing over the grand cavity, and grabbed the device not knowing for how long it's been there or if it was still in good condition; absolutely safe.

On the opposite side two jaded tigers that did nothing wrong were just nonchalantly treading around, searching for those tiny dragon effigies someone with lots of time to waste bothered to hide all over the globe; when suddenly an attack from above occurred quickly killing them both without knowing what happened or them deserving any of it. Croft then walked around the corner discovering someone had laid camp here, or perhaps it belonged to the tigers; anyway the unspecified objects burning there resembled feces. «Turds on a fire…? What degenerate would eat that?»

Lara just made her way around that, now facing a door resembling the one in the movie. She didn't have time to zone out in contemplation like she would usually do since she got fired at first. Some man appeared out of nowhere and jumped on her; she hurled his ass towards the door then pointed her guns at the man's face, «Is that your way of committing suicide?»

«No working for BarfFolly does the job. », he pointed a pixel hand at her which looked like a stump with a glove on, « Somehow, you don't behave like you've got monk's blood; somehow I can't figure that out right away just by knowing women aren't allowed in such roles.»

« Somehow I suppose years of being stuck here waiting for this moment took a toll on your brains.»

«Tempted to say 'yes' but no I've always been this unobservant.»

She cocked her guns, «Speaking of temptation: move aside my fingers are itching.»

«I've been waiting for this moment to arrive!»

«Being shot?»

The man suddenly shoved his face against the red wood, «No, the day this door would open! I've been camping out here for years, I sure could use a nice meal right about now instead of snaking on dried-up insects for the rest of my life… and other stuff.»

Croft grimaced thinking about the feces being cooked, «Maybe that explains how messed up your skin looks.»

Done with lovingly rubbing his cheek on the wooden surface, the devoted man moved away pausing his crazy eyes on her again, «Speaking of which, you ever tasted one of these?» He took out a ball of gooey insects from inside his mouth.

«I'll pass, now shall we move on I haven't got all damn day.»

He shoved it back inside, «So as I was saying, I've been waiting to open these doors, for the right one to arrive, the day the dagger will own the heart of those who believe!»

«…I hope for said individual this implies a metaphor.»

« So unless you pledge your loyalty as well… and offer all your savings as donation.»

With his stump, he reached inside his chest then took out a flask from his left nipple, when Croft suddenly shot him in both eyes simultaneously; the time allowed had elapsed. Then she went to his laptop bringing it far away from the fire before checking her emails, nothing but junk mails asking if she wanted to enlarge her penis. She frowned glancing to the side, before standing up.

Lara then went back to the corpse and took a swig from the flask only to spit it out, « _Gatorade!_ Atrocious abomination!» She threw it at the dead man's face and pushed the door open, it was pitch black beyond but she stepped in nonetheless before falling over something and fracturing a rib; Lara Croft fears nothing, not even ridicule.

That somehow sent her into Venice where she found herself sliding down a slope; she'd also be introduced to BarfFolly's men here lovingly named the Fiamma Nera, Latin for Black Flame. Although black flames tend not to illuminate too much, so I suppose this is intended as a symbol for their lack of intellectual brightness….

But for starters Lara got welcomed by a famished Doberman whose face she exploded with a shotgun shell; learn who the master is. She then apparently had entered the kingdom of annoying birds because they were endlessly singing all around although invisible. Croft unloaded her frustration into the enemies there and had tons of fun jumping through windows, exploding the solid glass with her even-more-solid knee. She eventually stole a boat, jumping in it from a dock thus looking amazing then found herself in some watered areas.

When she exited the boat rats welcomed her for the nutritious blood she might selflessly provide, but they were all shot into bloody chunks; she picked up the leftovers and carefully aligned them on a stick in order to roast the delicious parts later. Then she got more fun with the boat including driving through tiny ones obliterating and watching them sink, also sending it into sea mines and jumping off in time to witness the fireworks. It also triggered classical music from ever-invisible speakers. After exploding that first boat Lara got shot through water, so she swam to the surface then used her wet pistols to return fire at the man while screaming, « _Listen to the music!_ » Now that he was dead he couldn't but she still shot him because he really deserved it. A certain dark-haired psychic commander would greatly agree with that before feasting on the man's corpse.

Our spirited adventurer randomly went around the place killing everyone in sight and stealing keys, nothing new there, getting extremely irked by the damn birds that wouldn't shut up. She even fired once in the sky at random but it didn't scare them as they were feisty creatures. But they would pay though, one way or another, somehow; she vowed that to her eardrums as she pushed another cartridge in the barrel. Lara killed another man and got a steel key naming it Superman's key for the 'man of steel', she then used it right away at the door next to the man's corpse; so much for secrecy and tight security. It gave into a small space where she had to pull one of so many levers in a sea of levers that in turn unlocked another door in a world full of doors to open. She'd need a vacation after this.

She ran back to another boat and looked down from the small bridge before stepping over the edge. She somehow missed the seats due to an undetectable barrier of some kind which pushed her in the water instead. Now cursing in the water that it would have looked so damn professional if not for the invisible wall, she was swimming back up when suddenly she passed right through the boat's floor thus found herself seated. She glanced around perplexed, «Good. Alright. That's perfectly normal.», started the engine and went on.

Fucking the place up with the boat some more she entered a flooded area with walls made of wooden ladders for some reason, above her head she heard something like a dog panting. Ascending towards an opening she caught sight of a Doberman, but it was rather a man holding an aluminum bat that panted so. She shot him in the face right away then finished ascending before switching for her Grenade Launcher while the canine stood up, aimed at it saying, «Oohh, _fluffy!_ » blowing the Doberman up, its dark and orange particles revolving ever so comically in the room before disappearing. She liked doing that, so she started singing « _Too bad fluffy diiied_ , _it's too bad fluffy had to die!_ Because he looked fluffy.», saying that she let herself drop to the floor below, exploding a guard there on her way down into the water. Like a pro. Besides he'd been running in circles on that small wooden ledge, as if lost and overwhelmingly traumatized to be surrounded by evil water because not knowing how to swim; favor done. She then swam to the boat driving it again, «Fluuufyyyy, you'll be miiissed!»

Croft jumped off again at another platform, used the iron key which she named 'Iron Man's key' despite not liking the prick, opening a new door leading to a fresh kill. As the man's body parts revolved around her she said, «Unlike fluffy, you won't be missed.» Then followed more killings and lever-pulling that led to a race against time to cross that door previously-guarded by sea mines. In order to do that she drove the boat off the water to mount over a slope, and then shattered more windows before coming right through from the other side like a badass landing back on water before using that shortcut she had so cleverly made.

Reaching the door in time the level thus loaded, afterward Lara was seen as if she had just dropped from the ceiling landing in the boat. She pretended this weird event did not occur and crossed the gate whistling, then proceeded to kill more rats with her harpoon gun. Even more Fiamma Nera suffered that fate as she continued pulling the trigger even after their slow painful deaths had occurred. All you could hear then were the labored breathings of the victims along with the constant soft 'tchick tchick tchick!' from the gun. Hilarious. She then snapped, «Shut up birds!», before continuing with her exploration, so dauntlessly jumping through additional windows consequently cutting herself but still not giving a damn about potential infections. Disease does not scare the beast that Croft is, unlike LardsOn's face which gave her nightmares for months after her previous adventure; although his features are truly similar to an illness….. Lara felt vomit come up so she focused on prettier images, like his corpse finally shot dead and falling into that lava pool. Good times.

At her right here was a corridor with some shitty means of security in the form of statues holding swords, they activated once she got closer by ramming the swords down and back up again. She looked at the first one, its face bearing a sad expression, «Why are you upset?», she asked genuinely, then walking away, «It's okay, with a face like that; I'd be upset too.» With more acrobatics worthy of a suicidal individual, she got into another building where she suddenly got savagely mauled by a dog. Clearly the canine really wanted her dead so it could chow down at her corpse afterward. Lara got forced into a corner where the Doberman kept biting at her legs endlessly, until she finally was able to jump backward shooting the animal in the ass before landing on her feet. She stared at its obliterated rear, «Fuck's sake doggy. That was intense.» , perhaps it had tried to avenge dear Fluffy.

Croft then went to support herself on the handrail outside as her legs bled profusely, but as soon as she put a hand forward she passed right through the fence, now falling down into the water below. She immerged blinking and looking above; unaware she had skipped another deadly encounter with wall-mounted blades and flames from hell some psycho had built in a secret passage through a chimney, before dying by his rubbish contraption. Also looking above like that, the cadaver of one of them scum was visible through the floor, «I can see your corpse from heeere!» He did not respond so her expression darkened, «Rude prick…»

That's when her adventure into enemy territory made her visit a grand library of sort, she would have loved to take the time to read if only she wasn't constantly shot at, and if not for the books being glued together and stuck on the shelves. What kind of sordid design was this anyway where she had to jump through windows in order to reach her next destination from lack of proper doors? How the men patrolling around here did manage this then? That wasn't really stealthy at all, was it. She also had to jump from chandeliers to others in order to activate mechanisms in this place; employees really must enjoy this. She vented her annoyance on some poor rats and blew up an entire building, there.

One of BarfFolly's men was taking a nap on a nearby balcony when the detonation occurred. Jumped on his feet, shaking his head he said, «Holy hell on fire! I told them fools to stop fiddling around with the damn gas; but _nooooo_ , damn hot-dogs are apparently far more important than safety measures!» Then he caught sight of all the damage and his team mates laying dead everywhere. «…Well fuck me from all angles.»

Perhaps he was better off being here after all, maybe some virus broke out and they all went mad; decimating each other and fighting over the hot-dogs: moreover, in their madness, confusing the food with the real dogs patrolling around. Yeah, that was the only plausible, logical explanation. He sat down and wept: nothing, nothing could be worse than this…being left stranded on a balcony with no food left.

Oh, cruel, sad world.

* * *

Author Note: for those interested, I have humorous videos of TRII/TRIII on You Tube, about many other games as well plus music videos. They're about me playing and saying stupid comments similar to in my parodies, so hopefully some of you might enjoy my peculiar sense of humor. Since Fan Fiction doesn't allow me to copy the link, then just paste the following on the You Tube page;

1- Hellish Chinese Wall (Joking) TRII

De Void is the name, browse through my channel.


	2. Not Quite Your Savior

**Not Quite Your Savior**

Our friendless intrepid explorer then met her first box swinging from a rope endlessly as if pushed by a malevolent invisible entity, but truth is it was safe to assume that miserable object have had enough of its shitty job thus committed suicide. It would remain there, forever moving about in no wind whatsoever, solely accompanied by the noise of the rope supporting its weight. Sad indeed.

Lara made her way to the roofs realizing a rectangular pit of doom was standing between her and the next area. She was forced to run over the planks there held on mere thin air as they fell one after another right after her passage, when she reached safer grounds she looked back, «…Who the fuck designed this!?» After ramming her face at another depressed box balancing over another ledge, as if showing its suicide for everyone to see; she then ended in an unsuspected area like some kind of derelict theater. Knowing what it took to get here its location was puzzling in itself but it didn't beat the fact that the whole place was rigged with elaborated traps. Croft escaped some conveniently-placed boulders that triggered somehow whenever she got close enough, and apparently the rocks weren't favoring anyone as for she found some of BarfFolly's men crushed under as well. Then there were these heavy bags hanging from the ceiling that would fall down exactly when you passed by or under them, and she also found broken shards of glass scattered in some places.

Either the proprietor had no money to have some suitable security mechanisms installed or they simply enjoyed to surprise people and make them suffer. Either way somewhere in between something went out of proportion….

Croft would have asked for their purpose, to kill the rats perhaps; but whenever she found a guy he'd start shooting at her before she could inquire anything. Maybe they were getting ready for some kind of party seeing the masks some were wearing, so perhaps that's why they were pissed she intervened. Getting back to rats, they were now of normal built contrary to those dog-sized rodents she fought in Greece in her first adventures. Maybe they had gotten that big because of some crap floating in the water back then, hell a lot of things made no sense at that time, so. Not that it particularly does now…

Well a group of rats were stuck behind a metal door now, and a few mean guys were coming towards her direction. She let the famished fur balls loose and they quickly made their way upon their pray thus allowing Lara to watch her enemies get eaten alive. Following her bad habit of getting everywhere she should not, it then seemed as though she was forced to engage into some ventilation system. You know, just being eager to slide down slopes that lead directly to most-certain death by fan-decapitation, plus suicide-jump near and above them just to reach a key that some dumb ass employee had placed there for the laughs. She stared down the vent, «Yeees that looks like a good idea, let's go there.», slid down and jumped in time so as not to get beheaded, then picked up aforementioned key, «Aha! Who was dumb enough to put a key here?» This exploration meant she had a totally different view of theaters now, here backstage VIP preordained your ultimate death followed by your forgotten corpse to be gnawed at by rats.

After flirting with death a couple of other times, which is always part of her idea of sport, she then avoided some broken glass suspiciously placed on the floor and ended into a room full of crates bearing the BarfFolly logo. And it was also a location where were displayed the bigger lot of boxes hanged, swinging through macabre silent deaths. Well not one to be affected by any of this, Croft would have picked up her invisible lovely crowbar to crack some open if not for the labored breathing she started hearing.

They were quite obscene and nasty so she was glad to shoot whoever produced them. A tall and big muscled man showed up, holding big magnums in each of his arm full of veins. He'd also advance one step at a time before stopping, repeating that process for each new step as if he thought being a robot; that or he was constipated. Seeing that illogical behavior Lara couldn't help it, «What's with that retarded march and why are you breathing so disgustingly loud?» Apparently the man was too occupied with his precise stride to answer, couldn't walk like that _and_ hold his Magnums _plus_ talk, it was asking too much of him.

Now was not the time to throw up so Croft started shooting the beast and since she was atop crates it was the perfect spot for an ambush. She started firing at him while all he could do was try to lift his oversized arms and guns towards the woman; the score was quickly settled with no shots fired at her. When he fell down the whole place shook, he also dropped a bundle of steroids.

She blinked in wondering before puking over him, «….why…..do men insist on….using steroids…..», she regained composure quick enough and stood over him while chanting, « _I'm pissing on your corpse, pissing on your corpse!_ »

Lara then boarded the nearby airplane right away because it was obviously safe to do so despite not knowing where it was going and who was in there. So she found herself on board incognito, as it was taking off she started checking what the boxes contained. She found nothing but moldy peanut-snacks and Gatorade, you'd think the people bearing the logo of the golden dragon and being so damn fanatic about it would be carrying something of greater importance. «Plus what's with these people and Gatorade….» While she was doing this, voices came from the cockpit above. The one she heard first seemed to be the boss.

«Damn, where did you get your pilot's license!? We just barely escaped that flock of Pterodactyls, idiot! And what's up with dinosaurs suddenly coming back to life!?» BarfFolly hit his subordinate in the face.

«Maybe if you stopped sending your knuckles in my eyes I could keep them open on the sky!»

« When I was a lad I had worse things done to me than this; they forced me to eat _healthy food_!» His boss hit him again before seating his ass back down, «What kind of degenerate does that to their kids!? The mental scarring of it all….so don't _you_ complain about minor brain injuries and loss of cognitive abilities!»

«It's just that, that _**maybe**_ , you are wrong to constantly rip my skin open.»

The employee was hit again and blood spilled forth, his superior stood up once more, « _Is your skin so fragile!?»_

The pilot was sent against the controls hence the airplane started to go down; Lara who was snaking on some food back there received the pointy end of a box in the eye. BarfFolly pulled on the pilot's shoulders as the bruised man regained focus before quickly taking hold of the controls again. «Relax FapBio, breathe deep; it's nothing more than a simple punch back and forth to your face.»

«...I know damn it, _I'm the one being hit…!»_

BarfFolly opened the cockpit door and called for another crewman below, also noticing a woman holding her aim at him, a piece of bread sticking out of her mouth. Croft was pondering where she preferred to shoot the man that she was too late into hearing the other closing in on her from behind. So he knocked her unconscious with his wrench, later throwing her in a smelly locked room with a bunch of boxes. Poor boxes, though, their fate is so utterly cruel.

When Lara came to she remembered what had happened thus vowed vengeance. She would ruthlessly hunt BarfFolly down then bash her pistols on the man's head as payback, before shooting him in the balls. She would also pour vinegar in his eyes and salt in his wounds, because why not. For now she looked around, half of her surrounding was made of window panels making an entire wall, so she just ran and knee-broke the glass and rolled on the floor then up on her feet, «Fucking amateurs.» Broken glass having cut through her skin allowed for blood spurts here and there but it was of no consequence as usual.

An alarm went off and soon a group of stereotyped-muscled-alpha males armed with crowbars and baseball bats ran her way. She carelessly tossed a bunch of playboy magazine on the floor thus immediately realigning their focus elsewhere; Croft was then free to reclaim her pistols before shooting them all in the head. The loud alarm was making her extremely homicidal so when the infuriated woman finally located the switch she simply shot it to hell silencing it, subsequently making the pulsating veins in her temple and neck recede. Croft met more guards and some of them just casually walked her way as she harshly riddled their bodies with her M16, they clearly enjoyed that and felt no pain in the least.

She then could have skipped half of the level by going through a door she was facing but it shut in her face, now probably imperceptibly smirking at her; how heartless and unfortunate. So instead Lara just tried to unseal the next door but it was badly rusted, during that time another dude walked by and surprisingly offered his help, «Tsk, that one's always a pain in the ass but I got this awfully clever trick…», Croft moved away as the man got nearer and started to savagely ram his head at the red handle. After a couple of hits, and a forehead now heavily bleeding, the door still refused to comply. How surprising. The goon looked confused, and not just because his stupid idea didn't work but also since repeatedly bashing your frail cranium on a more solid surface was bound to make anyone dizzy, «Well damn…it usually works…I think.»

Croft leveled her M16 with one arm saying, «Thanks. » immediately firing at him, and then aimed at the door shooting endlessly. Ricochets returned her generosity in many bursts but she did not care, the main problem was solved now. Blood tainted the floor as she walked in then she sent two harpoons in the next guard's eyes, noticing the unfinished coffee on the table near his corpse. Suspicious coffee probably played a role in this man's death, like him not drinking enough of it therefore not being adequately alert which could have prevented his death just now. The unconcerned woman just walked by, «That's what bad coffee does to you….»

Lara then entered crew's quarters containing beds as solid as metal, pressed some more unknown buttons because it's entirely safe, and almost got chopped in half by the trap door it had opened as she was climbing through it. That would have been challenging, to try and continue on with her exploits with nothing from her waist down. But just a tiny bit. Since she's the Tomb Problem-Rider she would have figured a way around that no problem.

Past that trap door was a room with four burners located on the floor, Croft stared at it wondering of its intricate purpose until she got an idea, «Perfect to roast a chicken!», she removed a dead bird from her backpack, which she had picked up who knows where, and started cooking it. It would taste like gasoline and chemical fumes but still it was better than nothing. Probably.

Now having refueled her stamina she then jumped over the deadly flames almost missing the ladder, still her boots caught on fire but the scorching heat and pain was nothing to her so she ascended anyway. Eventually the fire extinguished by itself from how cold-badass the woman is. New corridor led to another portion of the place where she was again welcomed by this gentle and nice-to-hear fucking alarm which made her lose her cool once more, shooting bad guys all over their bodies and even continuing after their violent deaths. She then had to slowly move a box close to an opening above, pulling and pushing plus making her way around it three times to position it accordingly, just so she could reach the next control room where that damn switch was.

But first she needed to get rid of the sentry there, another dude with a shotgun thus an extra-shotgun-duel occurred; of course the well-rehearsed murderer was the victor as the man's decapitated head flew towards a wall and bounced, leaving blood splatter all over it. Teeth showing, Lara then proceeded to unload an entire M16 magazine into the control panel effectively stopping the alarm, then wondered how in the fuck the employees were supposed to get here in the first place. Playing with the level of dirty waters granted her passage somehow into a much bigger area where scuba divers bathing in a green liquid below aimed above at her, opportunely placing harpoons in her legs as she ran which did hinder some maneuvers but nothing too inconvenient for her.

Our slightly-handicapped adventurer jumped over big gaps like usual, seeing another exaggeratedly-muscled man hiding behind a structure; a bug in the computer-rendered object allowed her to locate him through the texture. He was also just standing there breathing heavily for some reason so she shot him right away while saying «Stop breathing so loud!» Although now close to the spot where that red card key was being held, she couldn't jump over both railings thus was inconveniently forced to take a detour making her way all around the place just to reach that same spot.

Doing that she easily locating any men patrolling around before seeing them thanks to their awkward loud breathings, «Why are you all breathing so fucking loud!? What's wrong with you!?», and more shotgun shells went in their testicles. It's not like Lara is a men-hater but anyone being so goddamn illogically annoying deserves to be blasted into multiple pieces; besides this is Croft we're talking about, dangerous by nature, period. Men, women, animals, boats and windows: anything goes. Natla knows it too well; or rather _knew_ it. So when she did arrive at destination she was so annoyed that she grabbed the next man's head and violently shoved it against the protective glass, creating an opening for her to grab the card key but unfortunately also triggering another alarm. Her eyes got injected with blood as she ran out of there, cursing loud at no one in particular and even shooting at the walls. There, add walls to that previous list.

Later she ran into more dudes whom she spotted even before they could see her because they were apparently busy running around in circles after each other's asses, so she picked up the Grenade Launcher from her hair and blew them all up from afar. Lara then came across a poisonous pool of radioactive bright-yellow liquid of some kind which bubbled defiantly, or perhaps it was just were the guards took a piss. Well it was apparently the only way out of this room somehow, so if those imbeciles could do it without dying so could she. She slid down that slope and jumped over the toxic puddle, spotting a few skeletons in there along the way; looks like the hazardous urine had claimed some of the kills for itself.

Following more dangerous suspicious designs, she slid down another awkwardly located slope leading to another empty tank-like area. The man patrolling there walked in circle on the catwalk as he heard the sound of something sliding down coming to meet him, he almost certainly silently pissed his pants too, until Croft executed more suicidal moves grabbing unto that walkway and leveling herself on top of it. The man started shooting her in the face with his Hydra, but not one to be put down so easily the woman just blew him up to bits thus allowing him respite from this tedious patrol of his. Seriously though, he had just been there staring at the rust on that empty tank, going back and forth on the same unexciting footbridge for hours on end plus without having a break or being paid, so in fact she did him a favor. The blue card key was located in an even weirder spot too; Lara almost broke her legs trying to reach it. Damn, these guys have it rough; she's like a savior to them in these circumstances.

Making her way through the complex, hordes of men and dogs attacked her again; including canines with red eyes as though drugs had been forcefully administered to them. After disposing of that threat a timely additional twenty seven other Dobermans showed up and she blew them all up simultaneously, «How many goddamn dogs do they have?» Later on, the party intensified as pyromaniacs tried to barbecue her alive. Croft then felt like returning the attention and robbed one of them of his flamethrower thus causing quite a commotion, all while smiling. Men and Doberman alike were roasted all over the place. Payback had never been sweeter. «Still, I had expected the flames coming out of these to be black, they should make up their goddamn minds about what kind of symbol they want to instigate. »

Croft was all sweaty from all the awesome sport so she decided to dip her ass into another portion containing water; she then screwed around with the trap doors in the flooded corridors which eventually set one of the divers free. He had been stuck there for an hour after having locked himself up by mistake, had been four minutes away from running out of oxygen when that welcomed intruder had pulled the right lever. Now he was so relieved that he swam her way smiling, ready to share beers with the woman; thing is his smile went unseen because of his breathing equipment so his rescuer shot him. Tough luck.

She was returning to the surface but kept hearing the men from above breathing like fucking asthmatics so it nearly made her choke on water. She exited the liquid and ran towards them, « _What's with the goddamn constant heavy breathings!?_ _ **Fuck!**_ _»,_ shooting them through the windows thus ending the nightmare. Perhaps there was some pizza nearby which could explain their persistent need to act like insane ravenous twit as if they haven't eaten in months and now were faced with delicious pizza; but still, _damn!_

Our homicidal explorer then had to turn a saw off in order to grab another circuit parts, the circuit board had been placed under that machine as the saw blade kept spinning maniacally, daring anyone to approach. Suffice to say that the man who did this have issues; possibly including a tremendously traumatizing event in his childhood like having to clean his room once a year.

Croft gained access to a flock of stairs leading to an interior heliport, as she ran towards the chopper while blowing more guards up, the engine took off. Probably was piloted by Brad Vickers, boy is BarfFolly in for an excruciating trip then. I hope he brought diapers, not for himself though but the pilot. If Chris Redfield would have been there he would have screamed not to go, reaching with a hand towards the sky in a shitty-cheesy manner; also Lara would have shot him in the face for that. Too bad he wasn't present.

Entertainment continued as she had to manipulate lots of circuit cards to restore function to the entire base doing their job for them. This lead her through some isolated passage flooded with water for some reason, she shot more unfortunate bastards before she was able to talk to some hostage. He was obviously a monk, and his accent was so horrible it was hard to comprehend what he was saying; fortunately being the fucking Tomb Translator, Lara easily deciphered his dialect.

«You have come for me!», he eyed the one-woman army for a second, «…at least I hope so. You are not one of them? You're not going to start breathing awfully loud while standing behind me, are you? That was extremely uncomfortable and traumatizing….»

«No I'm not since I don't have brain damage. Other than that what did you see or learn?»

«I saw bright light surround me, it literally burned my retinas. It was almost like a festivity though much better than the ones we have in the monastery where all we do is sit and drink nauseating unspecified beverages!»

«Well the light was gunfire», she lovingly pated her handguns, «Never go anywhere without backup, that's a rule.»

«But you are my guide! My new path towards my next incarnation, or so I've been told; they tell you lots of things in monastery, lots: but never explain who told them all that in the first place.»

Croft was then in the process of bending to look at his wounds but the preacher screamed in horror; she immediately stood up and stared. The monk's eyes had shifted from two tiny slots to half-opened eyelids, which were the equivalent for him of a very-surprised look.

«Alright, not doing that again….», she inspected the surroundings, «What are you doing here anyway? In case you didn't notice, you're far away from any refuge.»

The bald man then tried to change position with all the impressive beauty and agility of a robot lacking a proper maneuver-based program. «I must have drunk too much of that sinful liquor at the social gathering, because when I woke up I was here, or was I? I also must have stolen the Seraph since it was taken from me when they searched my clothes. That's when I learned I am ticklish, then they started hitting me….then it wasn't so great.»

Lara's interest was refocused, «The Seraph?»

The monk made a face, and with his already natural-distorted plus now bruised-and-bloody visage; it was a comic sight indeed. «You don't know my life's work well, you sure you're not here for them?»

With his pixel fingers stuck together looking like a plank of flesh, he pointed the dead men. Blood and saliva were still flowing out of their bodies; one was even racked with spasms. The woman shot him in the forehead, «Their fucking around are well over; especially now.»

The cleric slowly moved his face back towards her, «This is all very problematic, here I thought I'd have a better fate than my colleague when I forced him to return the dagger in the temple.…..»

Croft motioned to him, «So much for lousy booze. I don't suppose you'll be of help, but we need to get you out of here.»

«Oh no, not again; that last escapade in their submarine made me wish I was dead. »

« …Unless you think you've got a better future if I abandon you here...», Lara said under her breath.

«Ah, a break, I could use one.» Saying this, he got shot in the chest; for some reason they didn't react until the second shot was fired. The monk then screamed before the force of the blow sent him flying backward, blood splattering on the wall then his neck breaking on the floor.

The sudden violence from such a silenced swift shot made Lara's eyes bulge, then she promptly turned around returning fire. She realized the bullets might have been for her, meaning the shooter was poorly endowed moreover since she had mostly been shielding the monk, and judging by the attacker's skills on unmoving targets it was no surprise that his aim was even poorer now. Jump-dodging while still returning fire, Croft quickly ran and dove into water, seeking a submersible.

That poor bloke though, well the Tibetan did ask for a break….always be careful what you wish for.


	3. It's No Vacation

**It's No Vacation**

The view was great, especially since our adventurous diver had no means of breathing and that white sharks were roaming about, observing her with profound interest. Apparently not only attracted to dive-digging, the conductor thought it'd be a good idea to also dig an index in his nose, thus losing control and crashed into an immense non-merciful wall of rocks. Then Lara had to swim her way towards some kind of exit, at least she hoped there was since air started to cruelly miss…. she did manage not to drown and found herself stuck in an ancient vessel turned upside down and abandoned there to rust.

No hellish creature of another dimension were encountered there, Silent Hill characters had all the fun in the world though….Still there were an abnormal lot of crewmen roaming such a foodless wreckage, as if they'd been licking sodium off the walls in order to survive while stuck there. That or there actually were more dogs on board to begin with.

It was really enjoyable to wander shoeless on such frozen surfaces and avoid getting tetanus, bathing in icy-cold waters filled with very hungry barracudas and sharks, plus shooting scuba divers that were swimming about presumably just because they could. So pleasurable to avoid angry barrels and voracious fire that wanted her dead, to always being so damn suicidal by jumping over vast distances from inhuman heights just so a lever could be pulled, nearly drowning on many occasions or be set aflame by nice guys holding a flamethrower. All in one day's work folks and she'd be home in time for her butler's diner. Or not, if he's actually dead from malnutrition.

Croft might have fantasized about workmen here not breathing so nauseatingly loud but such hope was futile; it would seem BarfFolly instructed them all to act the same for some goddamn unknown reason. Perhaps it turned him on or something, best left undiscovered. It wasn't that enjoyable running into those guys although quickly shooting them all dead solved the problem. Lara met another who upon seeing her got on his knees and started unloading endless cartridges into her skin, apparently they didn't need to reload since new shells magically appeared in the barrel; neat.

He was clearly enjoying himself just panting and pulling that trigger non-stop, staring at her; although from his kneeled position most of the shells bounced off her breasts acting similar to a bullet-proof vest. Well after one long minute of that she shoved her pistols against his retinas and fired, done there. Being true to herself she kept firing afterwards, creating multitude of bullet holes all over his cadaver, «How do you like that, huh? How does that feel on the receiving end?» Evidently the man remained mute; they always were so goddamn impolite to her.

She dropped through the floor opening where another man equipped with an oversized wrench came at her next; he also was wearing a silly mustache. Well he started hitting her with his weapon as she simply said, «You got nothing better to do with that wrench, like fixing this damn ship?» Then she just revolved around him consequently the intense tactical move simply confused his low IQ, so for the next two minutes he just stupidly walked inside a wall trying to figure out where the intruder had gone. «Are you perhaps retarded?» The scene was actually quite pathetic so she shot him, but not before having a good laugh of course.

Croft eventually crossed path with another diver who was being paid merely to patrol this small flooded vent, lucky him. He started shooting his magically-infinite harpoons at her but she stopped swimming which forced the man to revise his perfectly calculated plan; deciding it might prove efficient if he simply swam right above the woman moving from her feet to her head endlessly. This tactic was bound to bring results, soon. Humored, Lara then just remained there listening to his breathing device and watching bubbles ascend, feeling his knees and feet hitting her in the back and face when he moved and switched position. It also seemed that the man could only aim in a straight line and not underneath so this explains why he didn't shoot her, instead kept swimming back and forth trying to take aim. After one hour of this, Croft began to miss air a tiny bit so she just decided to strangle the man then watched his body float up to the ceiling. Suffice to say she felt they have had a special something, but too bad.

The woman in need of a friend made her way deeper within the vessel, finding circuit breakers lying around which were of significant archeological importance. She also wondered who the fuck put broken glass all over the floor again, «…That is some seriously messed up design…» Had to admit whoever did this had a lot of patience since all broken shards were standing upright, as if someone had taken a great deal of effort into making sure every pointy ends were positioned correctly towards the ceiling, possibly using glue to achieve such determined goal. That or he was just some crazed dumb persistent delusional glass-loving freak of a bastard in great need of a bullet in the head, wouldn't be the first one.

Moving to another position, Croft ended the life of another poor diver whose life was already miserable enough anyway; then was forced to give up her very important just-found artifacts. That would be the circuit breakers needed to stop fuel burners from working so she could pull a block over the floor-vents, which were awfully fucking hot but she was unfazed by the grills melting the skin off her bare feet. The awful smell was dismissed as nothing vital and she just went on.

Pushing yet another button an additional wrench-dude showed up; if Zero would have been there he wouldn't have said ''Incoming Badass'' because this man was everything but. Lara exploded his cranium with little force and just moved to another goddamn switch. With all those crewmen not doing their job plus wandering around this ship with essential tools, it was no surprise nothing was being repaired.

Our cold-feet anti-hero turned another rusty handle gaining access to a small empty room, Lara looked around roll-diving, «Oh look, a room devoid of any purpose.», she climbed back out of it, «Well almost, its only purpose is to infuriate me.» Doing that one more guard climbed from another area, barely being over the edge she launched a grenade his way promptly ending his venture; poor bastard had only wanted to go to the bathroom. Pulling a block from a corner she made another crucial discovery, the Legendary Oxidized Key that was said to have been discarded centuries ago by some drunken crewman. «Aha! What a profoundly interesting catch! No museum would want this though. Now I can use it in the corroded keyhole where it might just disintegrate inside. So thrilled.»

When she ran through another corridor three barrels tried to kill her, she jumped over the vengeful containers plus the ambush in the floor spitting flames. Looking back she realized a guy was standing there staring at her not even blinking, crouched as if he'd just pushed something. Well it was unclear whether he was the perpetrator of this tasteless farce, or if he had merely being taking a nap when she just happened to ran passed the evilly-devised trap. Two bullets later none of it mattered though. What was actually of consequence was the next two barrels rolling down a slope just when she was ascending from the edge; it killed her leaving her corpse sprawled there on thin air.

Fortunately she was able to revive thanks to her Memory Card; never, EVER travel without one. Luckily none of these twits know that rule, so that was the sole advantage of not having a just-saved-your-ass card. She reached a portion where a trap door lay in the middle of a corridor with two slopes located each side of it, said trap lead directly into broken glass. «Again, who the hell designed this…?», perhaps it was how crewmen exercised, dividing the ones who were sturdy enough from the others who lacked endurance whom finally impaled themselves on those shards. Brutal, but effective.

Another upside down larger-area gave into a pool, Lara was standing above while a man was patrolling below, for whatever he was looking for at the time. Perhaps he'd lost his contact lenses which would explain his aimless wandering in circles; although not why others had been doing the same as he in previous levels. She started shooting grenades his way but the man ran, Croft shouted, «Don't move, it'll be fun!» until she got him and his insides exploded everywhere, including on broken glass where bits slowly slid down the length of the shards. «Touché…», Lara then used a Medi Pack giving her usual soft sigh of relief, hinting at how exquisite it was killing all those fuckers. Amusing shit happening in this funny upturned vessel I tell ya.

She was vaguely wondering how huge this ship was when she heard footsteps, an Hydra-wielding fanatic shot at her once before exploding, «Anyone else has anything to say?», she turned to her left where a wrench guy was coming and blew him up too before he could take another step. She laughed maniacally then glanced around before leaving, finding yet one more rusted piece of machinery lying around. «So many unearthed treasures here!» Lara then had to make more precarious dip in freezing waters in order to move to the next area, doing so she met another barracuda who started snacking on her butt. Now how does that taste. The fish then snacked on her five other times before effectively killing her but abandoned its food right after, not even finishing its meal; fucking waster.

Bathing in more icy cold waters led our resurrected badass to more wreckage, discovering an even more decrepit portion of the drowned vessel where lights were flickering. «Welcome; to the Depths of Hell. » She ventured into water where an additional long gray fish tried to snack on her leg, «No touching! », she grabbed it and reversed the roles; _she_ didn't waste anything, eating skin, eyes, entrails and bony-frame alike. Croft got out of the little pool now facing one of those mustache-wrench men once more, he looked kind of pissed and she concluded that she might have eaten his lunch just now. Well she knew exactly how to solve this dispute, clean and simple. Well almost clean, but simple still. Killing him also triggered a tune with ominous loud 'ahhhs', Lara stopped and frowned glancing around without blinking. Quite possibly some deranged person having hidden cameras and speakers nearby just to spook coworkers.

Still welcomed by the interesting ambiance, she looked through the window near the helm; it showed 100 sharks in there waiting for her to come and play. «Looks safe enough.» It goes without saying that she was mercilessly tracked down then teeth seized her before she got torn apart tainting the water red; there was a feast like no other. Her Memory Card reloaded her desperate ass so she can continue pulling more levers and decimate avidly-hungry, horribly-thirsty crewmen; especially the ones who befriended wrenches, those really needed to be saved from themselves.

Later jumping into another broken pool she got flanked by two divers, «So that's it huh, two on one?», of course being in water she choked trying to converse, while they indifferently pierced her skin open. Well she took care of them too and moved on, leaving a trail of her blood behind which attracted more hungry fishes, including moray eels; she was not out of these evil waters yet but she repaid all of their little bites accordingly with some of her own. Our stomach-filled woman required toothpicks afterward.

* * *

Finally getting out of the bowels of that huge vessels' carcass, Croft found her way back to the surface and stole a plane by which the crewmen had gotten here with, and took off taking their precious food along with it which felt gratifying; jackpot fuckers.

Unfortunately she had borrowed a plane from morons so said fucks weren't clever enough to refuel it; so Lara was forced to land….rather, the plane caught on fire then exploded, then melted and evaporated thus strangely set fire to the snow all around which in turn dissolved and flooded the entire area, so being atop a mountain it all transformed into an enormous wave that violently ravaged the town below decimating every inhabitants, crops and animals; said crops were needed for the Tibetans that lived nearby so they too would eventually die of hunger. Croft brushed off some ashes from her coat and walked off with no concern whatsoever.

She then tried to slide from a snowy hill but fell and almost died chocking on snow, arrived at destination she got up only to be assaulted by an eagle. After trying ripping her skin open with its claws and gouge her eyes out, Lara finally could aim thus made feathers fall from the sky all around her; beautiful. «Such hospitality. » She walked to another location where snow boulders tried to kill her right before a second bird attacked her. The M16 bullets must have hurt though since the eagle swiftly retreated as blood dripped, «Hey come back we're not done! _We're not done!_ »

The Tomb Animal-Killer turned to her left where a wall of ice had formed in the mountain, shooting it she ran inside the dark passage up until a snow leopard hurried her way; well she kept running too while keeping a resolute index on the trigger, ending this little duel quickly while yelling « _Look at me when I'm charging at yoouu!_ », possibly frightening any animals standing nearby. Next she mounted more ledges until faced with a bigger wall made of sheer ice, Lara ran-jumped and it exploded right before she touched it. «BAM! With the power of my mind alone. », she then got assailed by two more eagles, «Wha—NO. », she fiercely dodged their evil claws then their riddled bodies fell towards the water below. « _Why in_ _ **fucking**_ _Seraph does every living and non-sentient things on Earth wants me_ _ **DEAD!?**_ », her yelling set off an avalanche subsequently killing her.

Memory Card performed reanimating-the-dead magic, Croft made her way around that pit of water then through some caverns within where she ran into some kind of constipated yeti. Seeing the beast, she drew her weapon fast but it took some seconds before she fired, eyes thinned with disbelief, «….Redfield from R.E. 5….? »

The yeti kept yelling of its atrociously irking noise then she shot it, the blast savagely tore its limbs from its torso due to some unknown force, sending limbs all over the place. «….gosh….steroids does awful things….! » She then realized that in this part of the world the very ceiling also tried to kill her; icy shards fell from above whenever she got close but instead rammed through the ground and then stood there proudly defying her. «Such wickedness…»

Climbing up a grand crevice using her elbows and knees; she spotted a wooden cabin. Croft thought setting fire to it was bound to warm her up so she shot a flame grenade immediately setting it ablaze. But the guys that had been inside surprisingly didn't approve of that and got out screaming. They started firing their Uzis at her, yelling absurdities in another language, so she took the snowmobile and ran them over which greatly amused her as she was laughing while doing it, painting the snow red.

Well this was bound to attract some yeti, shivering at the thought she regretfully abandoned the comfort of the fire and left. What had been the idea to leave for such a cold part of the world only wearing shorts anyway? Her choice of clothing hadn't improved since her early days…. Now ridding the snowmobile, which triggered a cool song each time she got on it, she jumped above deep crevices since she's so suicidal and all. I must say the fact that someone could be lacking any internal organs due to being so slim might help not being afraid of such things; hard to get fear in the stomach when you have no intestines…

Though riding this engine was really hazardous since it easily exploded at the slightest of mistreatment; like bumping into a stone resulting in a catastrophe. Lara blew up in many instances while having intense fun; jumping 20 centimeters over ground and blowing up, colliding with two men at once thus blowing up, riding over a corpse blowing up, receiving snow in the face blowing up, riding vertically on stony walls blowing up, starting the engine blowing up, looking at the sky blowing up, sneezing close to it while not riding it blowing up. It was pure hard-ass ecstasy; at least it warmed her buttocks.

Anyone who would have blown once would then have refrained from going near such a cursed bike twice, but naahh, not her. Suffice to say there were a lot of spots now tainted reds, nothing like artificially-flavored ice cream so some of the men did have a lick. Speaking of which, those guards were making fun noises when run over with the snowmobile like ''ARGH—OUUUGH—DAH!'', hours of hilarity right there.

What in the fuck were they thinking though just standing in her way while shooting, they obviously couldn't aim so why bother risk being severely decapitated? Perhaps weeks of working here had rendered them insensitive to cold so they couldn't feel a thing anymore thus wished to die. Those men probably came to the conclusion that there was no point to live once their dicks had fallen off. Lara eventually ran out of blokes to kill and it was about time as well since her extremities had started to turn blue hours ago thus were now in the necrosis stage. Nothing 200 Large Medi Packs can't fix….and a lot of Vodka.

The woman now faced a huge pit, she looked down and saw two snow leopards roaming beneath where they would undoubtedly die of hunger, unless they grow human limbs and climb those icy walls like Croft does with her teeth and nails. She could have shot them both thus ending their long suffering, but instead just stared as they roared at her. Well fuck 'em, so she drove over and above the gap leaving the animals eying each other.

She later again endangered her life by driving past 1000 snowy boulders, non-sentient objects that clearly hated her for some reason; however now she began taking it a little bit personal hence a tear rolled down her cheek. It immediately froze there though and when she tried removing it the whole right side of her face came along with it. She drank some more Vodka to mute the distress before taking off. Seconds later she fell down a crevice and blew up, parts of engine mixed with human's exploded all around even if she hadn't touched ground yet. Alcohol does that. Not the sudden detonation; the inattentive blurred driving. However when you add a cursed snowmobile with Vodka then yeah you're truly asking for it… nonetheless it's just sport really, so nothing too extreme.

After dying so stylishly, a man with a custom black snowmobile bearing the BarfFolly logo came to share in the excitement; fun was mostly his thanks to the guns mounted in front which pierced Lara's skin profusely, especially her face right now. However his enjoyment was short-lived when she returned the attention by the means of her ever-so-dangerous Grenade Launcher. Then she dismounted only so she could steal the cool ride but just one look in its direction made it explode, sending parts in her face setting her aflame. She rolled in the snow cursing, «What the FUCK is wrong with those!? Does this has anything to do with that goddamn black flame theme?» Anyway she was best with the red snowmobile as for theirs couldn't even jump over gaps, so that man probably ended up on this side by means of invisible wings on his back. That or he farted hard enough which propelled him over the pit. Yup, must have been some beans he ate.

Croft then drove-jumped over that same huge gap, noticing that only one leopard remained which now roamed around a red stain. She was moving back to the cabin when sitting on the snowmobile suddenly triggered a really shitty pop song; Lara flinched from the awful surprise, jumped off leaving the machine driving directly towards an opening until it blew up below. She walked to the edge and looked at the poor engine, genuinely saddened, «Shame, this was a great way to get rid of wild beasts…. leopard and men alike. » Saying this, she got rid of an eyeball that was glued to her snow coat. Talk about a barely useful jacket though, it scarcely concealed shit and I bet she can't even breathe in it since it's so abnormally tight.

Next, one more encounter with two leopards evolved rather strangely. As it was roaring she blew it up saying, «That's quite enough of that.», then the other, «Nobody asked for your opinion.», which left the animal growling long after it had finished exploding; Croft remained motionless wondering what just happened. «These snowy hills are definitely evil….. No doubt about it now. That or I'm still drunk. » She walked in the cabin to pull an unknown lever doing unknowable things, because who doesn't love those odds; when multiple footsteps were heard. Lara turned around greeting the three armed men saying, «Intruder alert!», their three machineguns combined would have instantly ripped her to shreds if she wasn't the goddamn Tomb Bulletproofed. She eyed their corpse, «So that's what the lever did…? »

After that she killed more snowmobilers merely just by looking at them, «Such fireworks! Although they really should fix that... » , then had to dive down a long crevice ending in water, which felt like cement from that high, so she started gathering her severed limbs while a spooky tune played out of nowhere. Exiting the treacherous water she then dropped from a ledge hitting her forehead on the wall below, poor thing didn't ask for this but it better remain quiet for its own sake.

* * *

Thus new level loaded she came in contact with the monks living in their sanctuary, and they were being assaulted by the same men she'd been decimating earlier. Monks are usually peaceful individuals; but not having eaten for weeks due to crops being destroyed, it would turn anyone angry…...especially if you unload multiple bullets in their flesh. Well Lara could have helped but she just stood there and watched, betting that the Tibetans would win over the other imbeciles. Sure the monks were just equipped with spears but they were really pissed, so that's favoring the odds.

After a couple of "AaAiIiiI!", "ouh! AH!", "AHHH!", and "Ah-OUGH-dah…..!", the show was over.

«…gosh these people die making the funniest noises…», though she swore some of the Tibetans yelled something like ''Diiiieeee!''. Brutal monks. Croft sniffed the fresh air, «And it's so peaceful here. », she watched as a chunk of enemy's flesh dropped from one of their spears.

One of them survivors walked by among the corpses with no regards for his fallen comrades, then stared at her, she subsequently did the same but stopped as he started to walk through fire, saying «What? I painstakingly trained for this from the age of seven. »

She inhaled deeply once more, «Still, so peaceful. With corpses around. So peaceful and beautiful… Then uhh, what is it do we eat chips? You know, to congratulate your victory? »

The monk remained mute and Lara watched him leave when she suddenly got attacked by a crow. Perhaps that bird was also famished hence the sudden effort at trying to ram its claws in her eyes, whatever it was Croft shoved the barrel of her pistol inside its beak and fired. The sound it made had been both horrible and hilarious; she stood there laughing with hands on her knees while a small crowd of monks gathered around. Judging by the lack of reciprocation in noise and their stoic faces, it was safe to assume the pleasure was all hers.

Not that she expected them to approve but she didn't quite think they'd turn on her next. Well, what do you know, abrupt famine does that….she didn't particularly want to kill monks, her soul would never get washed from that kind of blasphemy, so instead she just ran and hid into the sanctuary. Since there was no door available she just climbed a small hill aided by her strong buttocks by clenching her muscles, then knee-jumped through a window, «I'm in your monastery breaking shit up! And breaking rules. », that's how she introduced herself.

Well they were fortunate she did intrude because another one of those brutal Black Feces shot the window to hell, little did he suspect that an M16 was pointed at him. «Look at me when I'm killing you! » As the moron dropped, giving his amusing dying noise, a monk walked by behind her in a corridor while staring their way. Croft was turning around when he was half way done and assured him, «You didn't see that. Go back to your prayers, you didn't see anything. », he was now gone, «Your eyes mustn't see violence. »

Then as she robbed the cadaver for ammo another Tibetan came closer walking towards their position. Lara turned to him, «Noo, don't look at it, don't! ». The serene man just walked by so innocently as if there was no dead person there in whose blood he was stepping in, he left leaving bloody footprints around. She then noticed two glasses on a stand offered to a deity statue; with no shame she just drank the liquid… immediately spitting it because it tasted like warm piss. She grimaced staring at it, «Why would they-», then stepped backward lost in speculations best left unknown.

Further inside some other monks were just roaming about, holding their spear and staring at her. Croft would advise them otherwise seeing that most of them ended up walking into walls or dangerously near those spinning sharp traps. She glanced at the device once more, «Wait….what's it doing here, isn't it, rather, quite risky…..? Is this an appropriate location for such a thing? »

Apparently no monks cared and they walked passed it, or yet right through, as if this was common to them. Talk about a bizarre architectural design and weirdly-endowed Tibetans.

«I guess that explains the bones left in some corners of this place….»

They were either causes of dangerous aimless wanderings as she thought, or some of them turned cannibals; perhaps both. Plus their eyes seemed to be perpetually closed….failed attempt by Eidos to represent Asian eyes in such a pixel-made world. Could also explain the aimless wanderings…but then not how they're able to stare at you so much.

Mysterious Tibetans are mysterious.

The profane woman was still run-jumping around like she usually does, yet breaking more rules, and that led her to fly over a monk's head, the muddy soles of her boot leaving a dirty spot on his head. She looked back at him, «You didn't mind that did you. », the man just left saying nothing but she didn't see his knuckles turning white on his spear. Lara nodded her head with respect, «So comprehensible. »

Out of nowhere another enemy walked in, and as if having a sixth sense monks converged on his position right away. Croft tried to help but didn't want to shoot one of the good guys by mistake, besides she might end up beheaded if she stepped too close, so she merely looked as they savagely decapitated the intruder; you don't see that every day. When they started walking away as if no slaughter had just occurred, the spectator deemed it secure to just shut up and leave.

Lara then realized that by pointing her weapons at them they would adopt a fighting stance with their spear held diagonally, all while making a funny noise; then breathing noisily they would remain so as long as being aimed at. Maybe this had been part of some training, or they had just been traumatized by the recent assault of their previously-peaceful sanctuary…...either way Croft had hours of fun doing this at their expense. None of them expressed their concern by talk nor attempted to move away; I guess that's what they call this place Tibetan FootStills…

One flinch of the trigger though and then they would all brutally attack at once, leaving nothing but multiple strands of flesh to identify her by….oh, those and her backpack. The guns would obviously be slashed to smithereens since pistols are just made of solid metal, but the backpack? It's indestructible; it has endured so many adventures and hasn't got a single stain or scratches on it plus hasn't been changed once; though you see she replaced her firearms. Anyway I suppose that she can't switch it anymore since she's been wearing it for so long it has merged with her skin.

The Haven Blasphemer ascended a very long ladder which brought her to a walkway above that huge deity statue; arrived there she found a key lay on some sort of podium. A monk walked by so she asked him, «Are you guarding this key? », she took it, «Well let me tell you something, you're not doing a very good job at it. » Going further above revealed unsuspected lethal traps where she was reunited with her friends the deadly boulders; stepped backward avoiding becoming two-dimensional as the rock fling passed her, «Deadly boulders in a monastery. I wonder what other sort of fatal contraptions they have installed in such a nonviolent sanctuary. »

Next she faced a sort of pool but it wasn't really, it seemed that there was some strong current in its middle giving into grilles at the bottom; that could explain the skeletons being pulled downward there and resting below water level thanks to the suction. «So peaceful and secure. »

Later she stumbled into more treacherous mechanisms including blades mounted on walls, but the incredible thing was that she watched one of those valiant monks casually walk right through it. «…Yeesss, that is some serious Tibetan magic…. », she also found a golden key, «Aha! Another object used for the sole purpose of unlocking doors. Jill Valentine would be pissed. »

She returned to the main hall as three other guys stepped in shooting everything in sight, this time she aimed at the fucks and fired. When it was over the spear-wielding men walked away silently, Lara talked into deaf ears again, «All ends well! Fine, one monk died but, all ends well anyway. »

The ignored woman used more keys and went through additional trap doors ending outside; she now faced a corridor where seven devices on the ground spit endless flames for some reason. She would have to find the switch then brave this path running and jumping as fast as possible before the fire was switched on again. She did so, executed herself like a pro against such perilous obstacles, arriving on the other side clamoring, «Brilliant! » When she turned around she saw two monks just walking her way right through fire, she simply just strode towards the adjacent area silently. Croft was kind of sulking until she noticed the drawings on the wall all around her, it represented eyes but the pair she was looking at moved from right to left. «…because that's not freaky at all…. »

Near that spot, Lara pulled another block free and found a spherical prayer-object with images scribbled in it, «Good. One found, five thousand more to go. », she'd need that to open the huge door inside the monastery in order to put the Seraph back in its proper place, because no one else can be bothered to lose their precious time with such a massively imperative duty. When she returned inside she faced those spinning sharp traps again, and two monks that came from different directions just decided to march right through it simultaneously. «In duo, eh? Impressive. Well done. », the one walking towards her then inadvertently poked her with his spear, «Stop that. »

Croft then had to defy death once more by jumping on top of that huge statue, she walked to the edge looking at the ground far below, «Is this where I should start believing in a deity?», she jumped and grabbed one of the statue's four hands, «Naahh, I'm goddamn Lara Croft, I don't need _god!_ » she said while raising on top of the other hand, her skin melting off due to flames in the cupola nearby. She then slid down on the deity's statue ending in its lap, probably profaning it along with a thousand more rules, before entering the chamber located underneath it. «Soo, what's in here? », she jumped in the ground opening, «Imminent death? Probably. This is a _**peaceful**_ monastery, after all. »

She ran across some corridors below ground before surfacing in a small area where a miniature cascade flew out from in between rocks. Lara eyed it, then the block resting near, before simply deciding to just push the mass in front of it subsequently preventing the Tibetans from having drinkable water. «Witness the _powerrrr!_ » she said while pushing it in place, admiring her heartless handy work. «I did this, _**I**_ , Laura Cruze!», a monk nearby heard this and wondered what the ruckus was about. Croft then left sliding on a slope, ending in the now-vacant ''reservoir'' that emptied magically the very second the last drop of water had stopped filling it. She then pulled and pushed another crate aside, «Aaaand, that's how I work out. », finding another prayer-cylinder behind it. She made no comment to herself as to the fact that this heavy box had been seating over that cylinder which stood there straight and proud as if it was made of rubber instead of wood. She just grabbed the weird object and tucked it inside her bottomless backpack.

When she finished ascending the ladder from that drained pit a bug occurred when she got close to one of the struts, making the room shake all around her. Seven seconds later she fixed that, by puking all over the floor, and ran out of that area, «I just puked all over your monastery. Your serene, ever so clean, monastery!» A monk walked by unconcerned, she then realized that their casual air might be the cause of them not understanding English; the delusional woman felt content with her deduction and left, not realizing that this one merely had headphones in his ears.

In the next corridor Croft faced the deadliest traps ever laid in this fucking non-secure sanctuary, flames coming out of the floor, spiked-balls balancing on ropes plus some more of those rolling sharp objects. «…now that doesn't look good…» Yeah she died a few times, got her face punctured and skin melted plus chopped in half, but still came out victor of that trial in the end. She spat, «Peuh! Take _that_ you goddamn heavily-trapped corridor of Hell! Why in the fuck would they build that!?»

Croft was later ambushed by three fiends as she stared outside a window; she jumped backward turning around mid-air taking her shotgun out already shooting. Again, would have ended up in shreds if not for being impervious to bullets. Sort of. There was this one-hit-point-only left in her health bar, so slim that it was invisible. «Whew. Intense.» She then walked back to the window which had managed to come out unharmed through all the intensive firefight; well she shot it to bits before looking down below at the monk who just happened to walk by. They stared at each other, «That wasn't me I swear. Some strong gust of winds from this high. Dangerous. Bound to shatter solid windows just like that. Gotta be careful down there. Invaluable advice.» she pinched her lips, nodding, then was gone. Lara tried running around a corner only slamming her face on it thus killing herself since she had forgotten to refill her health earlier.

Making her way through all the hidden caverns and abandoned ruins, Croft realized how much the snow around here hated her; boulders were continuously trying to kill her still and so did icy-spikes by falling from above in the most peculiar fashion. She wondered if yetis were able to set traps but then dismissed the preposterous idea; it was obvious that these schemes had been cunningly devised by the snow leopards.

She crossed another door where said ceiling-spikes were all over a stony path, she avoided the set of steps looking up, «Who do you take me for, falling for those, _obvious_ , simple tricks?», said she while turning around tripping on her own foot, falling over an edge breaking her neck down below.

Reloading her pixel self she was then faced with another yeti, his noises ever so goddamn annoying, she swiftly took her grenade launcher and annihilated the threat immediately. The sound of mayhem got the attention of leopards nearby who started growling in anticipation for a meal. Lara was so fed up with them snowy creatures that she said indifferently, «Yes, that's veeery interesting.» ascending another frozen ladder losing grip a few times, whacking her face on the material. « _Goddamn it._ »

She got to another portion closer to previously mentioned felines; one was slowly marching up stony stairs with icy-spikes above, though somehow none was triggered as it passed by. Apparently _they_ had special treatment, more proof right there that they're the ones who designed the icy traps. Lara watched it ascend up to her before blowing the animal into bits of food; this is not a metaphor since she actually ate the remains. She then defied the evil spikes by running underneath it but the cold daggers didn't move. She stood close to it staring and then walked beneath before stepping backwards again, still it wouldn't fall. Croft then suddenly sneezed making the spikes converge on her position diagonally consequently pinning her to the wall. «…..fucking seriously!?», pissed, she broke the material with strikes of her elbows then coiled several medi packs around her breast, ribs and stomach.

Descending a long stoned stairway she started hearing footsteps, she turned around exploding the intrepid fools, «Anyone else wants to get blown up?», she asked as a vein pulsed at her temple. She wasn't done with the exceedingly frustrating encounters however since she'd soon find a room full of very fucking annoying yetis all continuously yelling simultaneously, making her eardrums bleed and fingers itch. Suffice to say she spent an entire hour filling their corpses with holes. When her anger had somewhat subsided, she pulled another block free before entering a large room. It seemed vacant minus a pedestal at the far end of it, separated by an empty pit.

The adventurer suddenly smirked, knowing that kind of 'be a believer' trick; there seemed to be no means to reach the artifact but one only had to have ''faith'' and walk forward on seemingly thin air. So she executed herself, doing a majestic jump-roll mid-air, only she broke her neck and spine on the ground below. Turns out this really was just a catch after all. Patching herself up with medi pack did the job, however her ego couldn't be repaired so easily.

Regrettably her very innerving meetings with yetis were far from over; she met others in another portion of this damn place. They were roaming under her feet like chickens without heads, and as she looked down she noticed the floor was filled with spikes. «What a love of thorns they have….», she found a relatively secure spot to drop and as soon as she did a yeti ran to her, swinging its fists around like a moron; she kicked it on the chest making it stumble backward impaling itself on the sharp traps. «At least these dangerous designs come in handy once in a while. »

Minutes later she got overwhelmed by more snowy troops, much to her mental distress. She got out of freezing water leaving the hungry barracudas snacking on a portion of her leg that had detached, then hordes of retarded yetis dashed towards her. «One hell of a party here!», they all blew up simultaneously as she received pieces in her face making her stagger backward, falling on her ass and hitting her head on a frozen rock. Fucking superb job. Not done yet. Lara then had to face an army of boulders, just inexplicably waiting there for her, ready to rejoice in her demise.

«Nothing to it. » She ran down the hill followed by this disastrous wave, jumped over a ledge and turned to watch the army of snow come fast her way. All the boulders couldn't do anything against that mighty ledge though so the whole lot got stopped by it, multitude of boulders ended at her feet like many servants kneeling. «Bow at my feet! Ice cream…» She stood there proudly, although all the place had been shaken up by 1000 savage boulders stopped abruptly altogether so it made the ice above her head come loose, killing her.

Fortunately she's got over 99999 medi packs in her backpack so she's perfectly fine. Croft turned around now facing one long wall made of ice, there were no cracks in it so there was no way anyone could scale that. Anyone but her; so she used her abs alone to ascend while her other limbs remained limp at her sides. If snakes could do it so could she. Lara also dared talk during this absolutely secure endeavor, «So that's what Natla meant by 'sheer walls of ice'. » Two hours later she eventually reached the top, walking to an opening in the ground.

Now her skin was blue once more but it was of little consequence since she finally attained the Ice Palace, as ascertained by the Monk's brochure on page 17. That is where Croft ended in a neat place made of ice crystals, «So _this_ is Superman's fortress of solitude…! », she spotted an object on the floor, «Look, he left this behind! », not knowing this golden doorknob sealed her faith by death, like usual. «He left this little trinket, how considerate. » She walked out of the crystal room, «So can I fly now? Can I fly, can I fly can I fly? », her retarded moment was interrupted by the ground shaking, indicative of an incoming threat. «I guess that's a no. »

That's when she had to fight the Guardian of The Talion, a giant bird that was obviously pissed she stole its doorknob…. and it was doing a very good job at being exasperating, too. Cunning as she was though Lara threw a fish over the border to lure it near before knee-kicking it in the ass, thus pushing it off the ledge where it met death by the deadly spikes below: kebabs. Our soon-to-be pop-sickle of an adventurer was merely starting to laugh when the level was abruptly skipped, making her bite her tongue as she was cruelly loaded elsewhere.


	4. Payback

**Payback**

Croft then was back at that door with the BarfFolly logo, using the Talion to open it. Well it better be the one because that would really be a bitch if it turned out to be the wrong handle after so many fucking detours to get it. The logo shifted as it was being unlocked slowly so Lara could stare in awe at the marvel of engineering, until it suddenly sprung open in her face sending her flying backward. After removing herself from the rock, she entered the sanctum. Golden-snake statues spat fire upward providing light in a chic corridor worthy of some fucked up cult having built this in secret; and it's actually the case. The path led her to a nice pedestal where the Dagger of Xian laid, over yet another Death Pit; oh how they like those. It smelled fucking-evil-trap all over, however not one desiring to live, our Tomb Suicider merely stepped forward allowing the floor to open beneath her. She then avoided more traps as she slid down towards imminent demise, even expertly gliding over water just like that and once she reached the boarder of that cascade Croft grabbed onto the liquid as if it was a ledge. It's essentially amazingly simple once you know the trick; there is no trick.

She later discovered that the place was surrounded by lava, and more tarantulas came to profit from her nutritious blood. Although the environment was extremely warm it made her skin bubble and tear open, also it was rather hard to breathe through this intense heat, she just made her odds of survival even worse by jumping over magma gaps for fun. «Only because I'm Lara Croft; don't try this at home. I don't see how you could home-create lava but, well never mind _do_ try it and film it, that way I'll laugh. » Of course all of her previous nice acquaintances were also located here, meaning all of the imaginable traps ever created; now including spring-trap on the floor sending her flying upward where she had every chance to break her legs after gravity took over. Hell even her old pal deadly-lava was here, how could she ever forget its warm touch on her skin as it burned her alive, making every single nerves in her body as painful as they could get? It was so nice of them to go to such length only to welcome her, incredibly touching.

Having survived yet again, she faced the biggest deadliest pool of lava so far, having to work her way over it jumping from ledges to ledges while avoiding boulders and all. «Why, there's no reason to panic; it's only lethal magma. Just swell. Easy. That's why I'm going to save. » she scribbled 'awful lava pool of supreme doom' down in a notepad. «Can't see why anyone wouldn't want to miss that ledge and have a dip in this. Really who wouldn't piss their pants in joy at the thought of a nice rinse in scorching deadly lava? Don't see why you wouldn't wish it happened…» once she was done talking to herself she moved on. While she did her best not to die in atrocious suffering, there was this ambiance in the background sounding as if some weirdo was whispering gibberish in a microphone. «Just what I needed to increase my concentration. When I find this guy I'll introduce him to the real meaning of PAIN. »

Lara then ended up in another peculiar place; it was even more unusual than the flesh-made Atlantis back then. In this environment she had to jump from green pieces of land to another, all floating in mid air above a grand dark pit substructure below. Croft did feel like jumping in to see whether it was truly bottomless or not but realized her Memory Card had been obliterated in lava so she just went on. Yes, memory cards can get destroyed, there is nothing provided to secure the first back up device. Else we would need many gadgets to back up all apparatuses so it would actually never end, similar to the movie Inception. By the way, have you your personal totem? Just a piece of advice…. I don't because I already know I'm in The Matrix anyway.

Back to Tomb Paranormal, the environment was soothing due to the gentle groaning of some dragon far off distance, somehow; but the fact that airborne men appearing randomly kept coming to kill her, was not. Upon destruction, those stone warriors would explode into some green pieces as if they had been made of jade. Well this place couldn't get any weirder even if she smoked plants. Oops, sorry; "medicinal plants."

«Tssh, those boy scouts in Residential Evilness have it easy, they can smoke crack all they want but what do I get? Medi packs….oh and Harry MySon gets some extra strong substance like Ampoule, Solid-Erected Snake has Diazepam, F.E.A.R. operatives find powerful syringes….well, at least medi packs aren't Lacozade…. ….. …if Eidos would have agreed to this crap commercial any further, I would have committed permanent data suicide. »

When she got where she was supposed to be, a ceremony was being held starring BarfFolly and his Feces NutJobs, he was getting ready to receive the dagger in his heart, or whatever stands for it. After a bunch of indescribable words were spoken he thrust the blade in his skin then let himself fall backward. When his skull hit the floor painfully, he realized something went wrong. « _ **FUCK YOU FUCKING MORONS I TOLD YOU TO CATCH ME!**_ Now my back is probably broken! You FUCKS tell me how I'm supposed to transform into a dragon if I'm handicapped!? »

They dragged him out of sight but Lara could still hear him groan in pain and sob. She was about laughing when she jumped down fracturing both legs, « **GARRRGH!**...bad…idea…. _ow, shit fuck_ _ **goddamn**_ _…. »_

How unfortunate.

Croft used a couple of medi packs to hold her legs together and got inside the temple ahead where BarfFolly had been dragged. Most guys there were equipped with throwing knives and were awfully good at it so much Lara barely managed not to be pinned. She did however make use of their limited IQ and soon tricked the men into gathering in the same spot; thus they ended up throwing knives at each other and decimating themselves completely. It had been a great show, too bad she couldn't have filmed it. Perhaps she should bring along a camera-shoulder like Joseph in R.E. 1.

Next, Lara had to fight BarfFolly himself who had changed into a dragon; talk about a nice work out. When she glanced at his face she realized the contour of his eyes were all red, «…What's wrong with your eyes….? » He dismissed that question by spitting fire her way. Well guns had no effect so she used the little water opening that was in the floor, grabbed the dragon's face by pulling on his whiskers and plunged his nostrils in there. Suffocation by oh-so-holly water meant immediate death for a dragon…..or so it seems, no way of knowing since I've never met one.

So she used that time to remove the dagger before watching as his flesh melted off his bones, making her cough through the stench then she barfed on his bones, _how fitting_ … Lastly, the place started to fall apart and the whole screen shook; it was a bad time to start reminiscing about past similarities….so Croft ran as things exploded behind her and fire roasted her ass, she could die but at least the artifact was in her hand.

It really was, this time….. Unlike past adventures.

She got blown out of the Great Wall and almost got dismembered by the contact with the ground, losing consciousness. When she came to, crows were picking at her body, one was even searching her nose for some artifacts of its own….whooshing them away, Lara got up and her back cracked like never before. She looked around…..and cursed.

«…..now HOW the hell am I supposed to return home…?! »

* * *

Final scene takes place at the Croft Manor. Well, now having the Dagger in her possession, she could not rest and drink her goody cream soda as for BarfFolly's men invaded her property. Entering the storeroom by the destroyed door, she picked up her shotgun and went into Terminator Mode, mercilessly shooting men and dogs alike. One of them goon broke her bedroom windows; probably karma for all the windows she obliterated. Croft seized his head before ramming his face down on the broken glass, «Asshole… », realizing the shard had also went right through her hand. Next she went to the kitchen and opened the freezer to see if the butler was hiding in there, but she only found tons of meat next to the frozen whale and mammoths. «Figures, just when the house is being invaded you just hide like a decrepit 97 years old geezer! » She would never know that the invaders found the old man's body where she had left him sniffling this morning, wondering what the hell those patches of skin could represent while poking it with their silencers.

She went to the ballroom to put on some music but when she pressed 'play' a shitty Coldplay song started. She grimaced swiftly pushing the stop button, «Ugh, must be old degenerate's doing, warned him not to touch any of my luxury items. I will have to disinfect this stereo later. » She removed the disc and shot it before replacing it with the T.R. II soundtrack, might as well have something nice to listen to while decimating the lot of them.

Lara continued shooting more men in the face, back, nipples, balls and arse. How dared they anyway show their filthy beings here? Her madness only worsened when she heard the disgusting loud breathings….turned around and saw that gorilla of sweat-and-veins enter through the front door. Well, he actually had to bend in half for that. Her face became as cold and solid as cement and she ran his way, shot him in both knees to divert his aim a little then moved close shoving her shotgun in his mouth then fired.

Chunks of brain spilled on the floor and door but what mattered now is that this fucker was silent plus motionless. She'd ask WinsTon to clear this mess while she would shower; with lots of acid. Poor butler though….oh well. Clean up, old fart; if there's one person that deserves this nickname it's you. Farting your way around the Manor, dragging your shaking tea pot along wherever Croft goes; even as she sits on the toilet.

WinsTon Old Fart, at your service.

Thing is when the big guy had just died Lara had been reaching in her shoulder blade for a flare, so during that scene in the bathroom her arm remained bent backward. It was no problem however as for she started unlacing her robe with one hand, also picking up the shotgun and reloading it the same way. That's how pro she is. She then also slipped on water and fell subsequently breaking her nose. No worry though since nobody saw that because she had just obliterated the cameraman's face along with his camera. All is well that ends well.

Except for WinsTon.

Still of no consequence though.


End file.
